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Monthly Archives: November 2012

Cockneys vs Zombies film review

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(Rating: 15, 88 mins) Written by Zen Terrelonge

Starring – Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Alan Ford, Ashley ‘Bashy’ Thomas, Michelle Ryan, Jack Doolan, Honor Blackman.

I’ve become a bit of a zombie fan over the past month, which has been stimulated by The Walking Dead entering my life.

I went from series one to series three in a matter of weeks, and I can now see the appeal in a batch of mindless creatures seeking to consume the flesh of the living. Of course, it’s unclear where the ‘virus’ in the programme has come from, but it’s a series so the revelation will arrive in good time.

However, a film generally only has a two-hour window for the viewer to make sense of what’s being presented to them.

So with that in mind, let’s talk Cockneys vs Zombies. I saw the trailer a couple of months ago and thought the movie looked pretty cool, it says what it is on the tin, and follows a group of East End youngsters and OAPs battling the undead.

The film opens on a building site, with a couple of money-hungry construction workers entering a tomb they discover in hope of finding riches. Sadly for them, it isn’t gold they discover in the skeleton-filled pit.

Moving along we meet hapless brothers Terry (Hardiker) and Andy (Treadaway), who are in the midst of plotting a bank robbery. Their accomplice is a crazed psychopath called Mental Mickey (Thomas), an ex-soldier who demonstrates his lunacy by headbutting a car bonnet. As you do.

The siblings head over to the old people’s home to visit their foul-mouthed granddad Ray (Ford) – aka Brick Top from Snatch. Of course, an OAP like that is going to need some eccentric elderly roomies; the one he fancies (Blackman), the cougar, a drug dealer, a flirty sleep-lover, and a “raspberry ripple” that makes speaking Cockney more confusing than navigating a new Facebook layout.

During the visit we find out that the council is planning to tear down the building and relocate the residents to homes across the country, hence why the lads are plotting the bank robbery, so they can look after their gramps.

The highly amateur robbery unfolds, with back up from cousin/locksmith Katy (Ryan) and friend Davey (Doolan), but upon leaving the bank the group discovers a zombie invasion has plagued the district, which sets them on a mission to save the oldies.

The acting is pretty awful, and most of the laughs in the dark comedy are brought on by the OAPs and Mental Mickey, which leaves large chunks of cringeworthy drama and poorly-excecuted jokes for the duration.

Though the film is poor when compared to nothing, it pales in comparison when compared to fellow London-based zombie comedy, Shaun of the Dead.

Wait for it to hit the bargain basket or watch it when it comes on TV, failing that, just don’t watch it at all.

Oh and going back to what I said about the two-hour window to explain what the hell’s going on, this one remained well and truly boarded up, offering no insight as to why the dead rose in the first place or how on earth the plague spread so quickly.

3/10

Cockneys vs Zombies is now available on DVD and Blu-ray.

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